I wake up, my debt is all paid off, my bank account is full, my relationships with my family are healthy, and I’m able to travel anywhere in the world.
reblog for this ultimate fantasy life to come true
The bus is filled with people. The smell of marijuana strong in the air. The music is loud, but not loud enough to block out all of the conversations going on.
Swazz plops down beside me on the couch, offering me the blunt in his hand. I consider it for just a moment before shaking my head. I’ve already had a little bit too much tonight and, mixed with the alcohol, smoking anymore might not lead to the best outcome. Especially with how tonight’s going.
My eyes cut across to the other side of the bus, where they’re sitting on the other couch. She’s on his lap and he has his arms wrapped tightly around her. Nate’s face is in the crook of her neck and she’s giggling about something that he’s said. He pulls back and smiles at her before leaning forward and connecting their lips in a kiss, making her giggle even more.
Every single time I see them together, laughing and smiling, I wish that I could hate her. I wish that I could be mad. But I can’t. She’s my best friend. And it’s not like I’ve ever mentioned my feelings for him. How is it even possible for me to be mad at her for being happy with her boyfriend?
“I don’t know why you keep torturing yourself by coming around here.” Swazz speaks up after a moment of watching me. “Don’t get me wrong, we love you and we’re glad you’re here. But everyone knows how you feel about him. It doesn’t seem fair that you have to keep putting yourself through this.”
This is when Nate lifts his eyes and makes eye contact with me. His smile falters just the tiniest as he looks over her shoulder towards me. Neither of us look away for what seems like forever. Finally, though, she leans back, capturing his face between her hands and capturing his mouth with hers.
I force my focus somewhere else, trying my best not to let the tears fall. John’s right. I shouldn’t keep coming around and torturing myself like this. If I was smart, I would’ve stopped coming around a long time ago. I would’ve stopped taking up her offers to come along with her. I would’ve been making up any excuse in order to stay as far away from Nate as possible.
“You don’t think that would be a little suspicious to her if I just stopped coming with her, after all these months of tagging along, with no actual explanation?”
When I look over at him, he’s looking towards them, rubbing his jaw with his hand. “Look, I’m going to say this and I mean no offense to you. And if you ever tell anyone that I said this, I’m going to deny it.” He pauses for just the slightest moment. “She’s a shitty person. I don’t know why you’re friends with her. I don’t know why Nate’s with her. But she’s a shitty person and none of us actually like her. But we deal with her because of Nate and because we all like hanging around with you.”
“She’s not a ‘shitty’ person.” I reply defensively. “She’s just- she can just be a little selfish sometimes.”
He rolls his eyes at my comment. “She is a shitty person. And she’s a really fucking shitty friend to you.” He stops talking when Dillon calls his name from the back of the bus. Just as he’s standing up, he says one last thing to me. “Look, all I’m saying is that you deserve better than her. And if Nate doesn’t realize that you’re a thousand times better than her, that’s all on him.”
I stay frozen for a few moments, letting everything that he said sink in. And when I look back across the bus only to see her basically dry humping him, I realize how right Swazz is. So instead of sitting there and continuing to torture myself, I stand up and make my way towards the exit of the bus, intent on getting an Uber and getting the hell away from here.
After setting up my Uber ride, I’m left standing outside waiting on my own. I’m only out there for a couple of minutes when I hear the door to the bus open up again. Standing there, leaning back against the side of the bus, I glance over to see Nate closing the door behind him. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the bus, already emotionally exhausted from the night that I’ve had.
He doesn’t say anything as he steps up to me, but I hear his feet against the pavement. He comes close enough, so that our bodies are pressed firmly together, his hand at my waist, and his lips come down on my neck. For just a minute, I allow myself to enjoy the familiar feeling that builds up in me whenever I’m around him, whenever he touches me. But then everything Swazz said to me comes rushing back into my mind and I bring my hands up to his chest to push him back.
The force, combined with the alcohol in his system, caused him to stumble back a few feet. Despite the anger and hurt that I was feeling towards him, I couldn’t help but notice how good he looked tonight. It was just a little unfair how he could make a simple black sweatshirt and a pair of jeans look so damn good.
“What the fuck, Y/N? What’s your problem?” He asked harshly, after gaining his footing back.
His tone was one that he had never used with me before and it shocked me for just a moment. But I didn’t have time to focus on that at all. As I stood outside of a bus, one that was filled with all of my best friends, with my best friend’s boyfriend, the severity of it all began to hit me. How had it never bothered me before?
When they started dating just about six months ago, my attraction to him was instant. Of course, that made sense because he’s an attractive guy, one that girls all over the world are attracted to. And two months later, when he came on to me and I didn’t stop him, it felt like all was right in the world. After that, it didn’t take long to actually fall for him. By then, I was way too caught up in the moments that we had alone together to realize how wrong it all was.
I dropped my head down to focus my eyes on the ground between us, before cradling my head with my hands.
“I can’t do this anymore.” I spoke, just loud enough for him to hear me.
“I’m not fucking drunk enough for this conversation.” He cursed under his breath, before taking a few steps forward so that there was barely any space between us. “Why are we talking about this now? What made this come up?”
My eyes shot up to his, narrowing my eyes at how oblivious he was to it all. “Are you serious? I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep putting myself through this.”
He rubbed a hand down his face in frustration. “You don’t have to be so fucking dramatic about everything.”
“This isn’t me being ‘fucking dramatic!’” I raised my voice just a little bit more, trying to get my point and frustration across to him. My hands came up, pushing him back once again, wanting him out of my space so that I would be able to think. “I’m so fucking in love with you and you don’t even see it! I’m fucking around with my best friend’s boyfriend and you don’t think that there has to be actual feelings behind that? You think I would sleep with her boyfriend just for the hell of it? NO. Everything that I did with you was because I was so desperate for you that I would’ve taken you any way that I could get you! So fuck you, Nate! I’m not going to let you fuck with my feelings anymore. Because you’re not mine, and I don’t guess that’s ever really going to change.”
He stood there in complete shock for what seemed like forever. And before he had the chance to say something, my uber pulled up a few feet from us. I glanced at him, giving him a chance to say whatever he felt like he needed to say, but his eyes were now glued to the ground.
I shook my head, tears springing up and blurring my vision. Shouldering past him, I walked as quickly as I could towards the car that was now waiting on me. Just as I opened the door, I heard his voice calling out for me. When I looked over my shoulder towards him, his eyes were trained back on me. All he said was, “I’m sorry.”
“Me too, Nate.” I replied weakly, giving him the best forced smile that I could. “Me too.”
